For the Love of Cake
by aRAUCANA
Summary: Yagami Raito laments as L chooses a slice of nonexistant strawberry shortcake over him. RaitoxL crack fic. FORGET THE ANGST. WE'LL ADD A DOUBLY ANGSTY CHAPTER NEXT TIME in like what, 5 years? Ok, no. UPDATED!
1. TERMSOFSERVICEANDAGREEMENT

After browsing APPLES through the Deathnote APPLES section, we noted APPLES the fact that a great APPLES many number APPLES of the selections were well, sane. For APPLES your own benefit APPLES we advise you to read APPLES and agree to the APPLES following Terms of Service and APPLES Agreement to ensure APPLES that you are well prepared APPLES for this and that we aren't sued. 

TERMS OF SERVICE/AGREEMENT:

1. FOR THE HEALTH OF THE READER  
We are not responsible for causing trauama, mental problems, headaches, brain tumors, period of blindness, emotional and/or physical scars.

2. PREFERENCE  
The reader is advised not to read the following if the reader so happens to have no sense or humor, warped or otherwise. This fanfiction contains AU, OOC, themes of suicide, homosexuality, suggested drug abuse, and other matters of the same nature.

3. LIMITATIONS OF READER'S REACTIONS  
The user agrees to not kill and/or demonstrate specific homocidal actions as well as threats. The suicidal attempts are not meant to be taken seriously and should be seen lightly as this work obviously has no connection whatsoever with real life concepts.

4. DISCLAIMER  
The writers of this fanfiction by no means claim the original work this is based on.

You agree that your proceeding to the story acknowledges that you have read and agreed to this agreement, understand it, and are to be bound by its terms and conditions.

* * *

OK JUST KIDDING. If you can't take things lightly then please go away. Oh and Raito worshippers may not like this ..

* * *

:D Please proceed by clicking on that next chapter button thing yay. 


	2. Strawberry Shortcake Suicide

Disclaimer: D: If we owned it, it would've been spelled "Dethnote" and L wouldn't have died.

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day - not that you would know it because there weren't any windows in the headquarters because of L's paranoia. Then again, that didn't matter either because of the flourescent lights surrounding the insomniactic detective's dark, shiny, bright, open-spaced, corner were bright enough to make the reflection off the gleam of Matsuda's magazine blind him.

"Hey, Yagami, who do you think is prettier? Ryuuzaki or Misa?" Matsuda directed towards him while flipping a page in the magazine consisting of many J-Rock/J-Pop stars as well as models from Misa's agency. He couldn't believe that these...visual kei people were MEN. They looked...anorexic! And prettier than Misa did in the same dress. And one of them had the same hairstyle as Ryuuzaki.

He had expected an actual answer. He could be serious too, it just never sounded like it because he wasn't as intelligent...

Instead, he received a blank stare from not one, but all three people in the room.

"Excuse me?" Raito finally managed to get out. What the hell was he asking? OF COURSE L WAS PRETTIER. Anyone not BLIND could tell from a mile away. FIFTY HUNDRED MILLION MILES AWAY! With binoculars providedly.

Misa took the silence the wrong way and jumped in next to Raito, hugging his arm, "Raito knows Misa is prettier! That's a stupid question! Ryuuzaki's a guy!"

Raito noticed the slight shift in L's sitting position as Misa grabbed him.

Matsuda pouted angrily. "Fine, whatever. Ryuuzaki! Which would you prefer? Yagami or cake?"

"What kind of cake?" came the reply. Raito gawked. What kind OF CAKE? HOW COULD HE NOT IMMEDIATELY CHOOSE RAITO OVER SOME DESSERT? Then again he hadn't chosen L immediately either, but with Misa in the room he really had no choice. WHAT KIND OF CAKE? He was hurt. Seriously hurt. He could feel the invisible tears welling up behind his eyes. Far, far, behind. But STILL.  
Then again, of course, it was L. How predictable. He would not answer directly, but complicate the question. After all, it was one of the qualities that attracted him to-

"Hmmm...strawberry shortcake? Or Yagami?"

Wait. Wasn't L the one that replied with a bored "Yes, we've censored" to every girl in the university who had asked them about their level of intimacy? Misa, he realized, would be no different. L was straightforward, he didn't hide anything. He was completely positive that L would-

"Oh, strawberry shortcake. Definitely."

The words hit Raito like a ton of bricks. Strawberry shortcake. Was it like a fact that a slice of pink cake was worth more to him than Raito was? Definitely? That made it seem so obvious. Oh, yes. The cake is much, much more worthy of L's love than you are, Raito. Why would anyone choose Kira over cake? The idea itself was more than amusing! Why, he would choose cake over Raito anyday! Hah.

"I...I need to step out for a moment," Raito gasped, swallowing his breath and reaching for the handle on the closest door.

Once away from the monitoring cameras surrounding the building, he called a taxi and headed east. He needed to be alone. He needed to think.

* * *

Raito stared down at the carelessly rocking waves 985.3 feet down below. The water was surprisingly gentle as if enticing him, waiting for him to be engulfed by it's rolling arms. So… was this the end? He should have known all along, his place in L's heart. How did the evidence not slap him in the face? How did he not know, after L preferred to finish his twentieth portion of éclair rather than share a friendly moment with him in the bathtub? After he spent twenty five million on a stock of panda crackers, but receiving only 2 cents on a stamp featuring a Peking duck L found in Watari's desk drawer.

Why? Why? Whywhywhywhywhy…?

Raito felt dizzy from shock and his own stupidity. He rummaged his pockets and took out Mr. Imagay, his stuffed cow, who looked quite forlorn and limp. Mr. Imagay's sad, brown eyes looked into Raito's. And for a second, the boy was comforted.

"Imagay… Why is this so hard? He'll never understand the love that I have for him. The sacrifices I made. The pains I endured. I-"

But Raito could not find his voice. He took a breathe and let the tears roll. But he knew what he had to do.

While choking on his tears and nearly squeezing the stuffing out of poor Mr. Imagay, he lost his footing and slipped. Well sure, he had planned to jump, but it was so much more surprising when it ...well, when it caught you by surprise!

His life was flashing before his eyes. Was it unnatural that all he could see was L? L laughing, eating cake. L planting kisses on his cheeks for giving him cake. L upset when his cake got sat on by Matsuda. L running through a field of flowers towards the Mari-chan bakery. L-

He choked.

The hood of his sweater had caught onto a branch, and Raito was now helplessly struggling against the side of the cliff with his head stuck inside the sweater. He was unsure of if he was struggling to stop the sweater from cutting off his circulation or to struggle free from the branch and fall to the peaceful waves telling him to come hither.

"HEY MOMMY I SEE SOME DUDE HANGING FROM THE CLIFF CAN I FEED HIM?"

"Dear, I told you, don't feed the animals. Just leave them alone. Some of them might attack you."

"Oh my goodness, it's a person! Call help!"

Needless to say, Plan A had failed. But Yagami Raito always had a backup plan. Always.

After being removed from his painfully humiliating state, he was sent to the hospital. This was NOT going according to plan at all.

"So, I hear that you were trying to commit suicide? Hahaha! I heard you got stuck to the cliff you tried to jump off of! Hahahahaa, Sachiko, can you believe this kid?"

"Ne, stop teasing him. People that attempt suicide obviously have some emotional burden. Ha- but...jumping off a cliff and getting stuck, thats a first."

"Hahahaha I told you, it's funny!"

"Aw stop it, he's lying right there!"

Raito sighed and furrowed his eyebrows. First, L chooses cake over him. Was that not enough? Then he attempts suicide. Then the suicide FAILS, oh the humiliation. At least the obnoxious nurses had left now, and he wasnt sharing a room either. Escape was easy, he just had to go unnoticed...


	3. Ryuk's Rooftop Rescue

**Ryuk's Rooftop Rescue**

Disclaimer: L owns Raito

* * *

Alas, the great Yagami Raito had been sent to the mental ward section after repeated "odd behaivior.

But what was that? Oh, it couldn't be! But it was! The corner of his mouth twitched as his eyes fell upon the pale uniform left lying on the drawer across from his bed. Giggling like a retarded fangirl downloading J-rock pr0n, he stepped over to claim it.

He glanced at his roomate sleeping soundly beside him. Or maybe he was comatose...dead, maybe? Anyway, he quietly reached out to grab the box of tissues next to his bed and quickly balled them up, stuffing them into his new getup.

* * *

One and a half boxes tissues later, he emerges from the restroom, fully clad in a female nurse uniform.

"I wonder if L likes cosplaying..." he murmured, looking down at his uniform. Why did he still look flat chested?

A random man passed by and kind of just...stared a little.

This wasn't gonna work. If he was going to degrade himself into wearing a female nurse uniform he was going to look HOT in it.

Immediately, he ran back into the room to observe his figure in the mirror. The dress was a little too loose...shit, what was he wasting his time on? He grabbed massive handfuls of tissues and shoved them down his shirt. He needed to get out of the place. After sixty-four sneaking-out-the-door attempts, he figured that it just wasn't going to work running out of the hospital when he thought no one was watching.

Ah, wait. He ran back and swiped the teddy bear off his roommate's shelf. The guy was dead, he wouldn't need it where he was going. And Raito missed his Mr. Imagay that had unfortunately been lost in his previous suicidal attempt.

"Your new name is Imagay the Second alright? Yay!" he suddenly felt disgusted. Spending too much time with Misa was hazardous.

Stepping outside his room again, he was rewarded with a whistle from some random patient who happened to be passing by. Success!

"THERE HE IS AGAIN! SACHIKO, COME HELP ME DRAG HIM BACK!"

Or not.

He sprinted as fast as he could in that tight little skirt up the stairs to the roof… with much difficulty. The clothing garment from hell had to be at least 5 sizes too small and hugged his hips mercilessly. It somehow reminded him of that miniskirt L wore when they were drunk on New Ye-

_Riiiiipppppppppppppppp._

_Clunk._

Raito's left foot was throbbing; he had tripped over the stairs with that damn hospital slipper and the revealing split up his skirt really wasn't helping. He quickly kicked off his (stolen) stylish Italian Young Cow leather stiletto off his other foot and climbed up to the roof.

It was all over if he was caught now. He sniffed and squeezed Imagay II, longing for the comfort of Mr. Imagay. Why can't they just leave him alone to wallow in self pity?

Standing at the edge of the hospital roof, he looked down and savored the view from eighteen floors up. The people below laughed, talked, and gossiped. Couples on picnics, by the pond, on the bench.

_There is nothing in the world I want more…_

He closed his eyes.

It was cruel. Too cruel to be through this again.

_…than to love and be loved…_

He remembered that day when they were on coffee break. Matsuda and the others had joked about L's eyes.

_… by him._

He was the only one that truly loved them, because only he understood those eyes.

_Why is that so wrong?_

Because only he was reminded of his own insomnia when he studied three nights straight to get into that prestigious middle school.

_The only one I ever wanted..._

His eyes had been exactly like L's. Wide. Baggy. Obsessed and squealed over by fangirls.

_...ever loved..._

It was now or never, he had to jump to free himself from this torturous life or be sent back and locked up - complete with a straightjacket and white, padded room.

_… was you._

He jumped.

He fell.

The trip down the hospital side was...pretty far. This wasn't going according to his calculations at all - the gravity, the height, he should've long been made into a giant, splattered pile of roadkill! Curious, he slowly opened his eyes.

"LOLOLOL SUP MAN RAITO"

This was not happening.

"LOLZ WHATCHOO apples TRYIN TA DO? I TOLD U ALREADY U applez CANT FLY LOL U DONT HAV WINGS LIKE ME"

"Ryuk," he managed to choke out through his disbelief.

"APPLES BUY ME SUM AITE LOL"

"I'm FLYING THROUGH THE AIR RIGHT NOW. Do you think those people are blind? PUT ME DOWN, DAMMIT!"

"LOLOLOLOL apples are awesome K ILL PUT U DOWN HOLD ON WHERE?"

He slapped himself, wishing it was all a horrible nightmare.

Ouch.

Damn, not a nightmare.

"LOL ILL DROP U AT THE SUPERMARKET K N U CAN BUY ME APPLEZ"

"NO JUST LET ME DOWN NOW DAMMIT," Raito started to struggle himself free from being carried like an idiot in the air.

"LOLZ apples OK DEN"

Raito sighed in frustration and held his face in his hands, not seeing the giant sign above.

ENTER HAPPYLAND! THE WORLD OF SPARKLES AND FLUFF!

* * *

**OMAKE (for Ragnarok Online players**)

**Sunglasses (1)** to conceal your identity: **1,975,000** zeny from a street merchant  
_Raito peeks out from behind some sort of a wall_  
"I feel like I'm being watched"  
"Fufufufufu"

**Cake** for your beloved: **500,346** zeny for the SP heals  
"DAMN CRUISER MOBS"  
"LOLZ a nub wizzy in toy"  
"Hey, can I buy your cakes"  
"LOLZ he wants 2 buy my cake"

Finding the **perfect anniversary gift**: **146 million zeny  
**"Two cruisers and 600cakes for your valk"  
"LOLZ wut kinda crak r u on, gimme wings "  
"...I don't even have wings"  
"LOLZ gime z den"  
"Ugh, how much"  
"150m"  
"WHAT"  
"149 then"  
"Ugh hold on let me sell my cake"  
"LOLz ok"  
"146million zeny"  
"LOLZ 148"  
"I only have 146"  
"LOLZ ok den"  
"L better freaking appreciate this"  
"LOLZ huh"  
"Wrong chat"

Finding out he **owns the server**...**_Priceless_**  
"Uh...thank you, Yagami-kun, but uh why'd you buy me a Valkyrie helmet?"  
"You'd look hotter in one :D"  
"And 5 cakes"  
"Well uh, I HAD 600+ before...I kinda...sold them"  
"You know thats my server right"  
"...What"  
"I'm the GM"  
"WHAT"  
"It's called L-RO, what'd you expect?"

For everything else there's Paypal for Donation items

A/N: Gawd, Raito you N00B. Um, yeah sorry for the short chapter and slow updates. XD; So uh, an omake to make up for it? Though I doubt many people play RO.


	4. Laidback Lamentation

**Laid-Back Lamentation**

* * *

L sighed.

He was feeling, well, rather bored.

Yagami-kun had ran out of the building in tears, as he saw on the monitoring cameras, and then pushed some old lady out of her taxi and sped off somewhere. In order to cease this boredom, he needed to drag Raito back and make fun of him. Except for the fact that he couldn't go outside because streets weren't very bare-foot-friendly. Now he need to catch both Kira and Raito- unless Kira was Raito, that'd make everything so much easier. Or harder, depending on how you looked at the situation.

What else could he do in this oversized office? He'd already build a 5.3 foot high pyramid of sugar cubes, as well as a minature of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (to scale, of course), and baked a six-tiered strawberry wedding cake that he'd eaten almost a third of (but gained no weight from).

So he decided, after all that sugar intake, to sit there and do what Raito did when he was feeling emo. Not that L was emo though, because L's too cool to be emo.

He decided to angst.

Well, what was there to angst about?

L, despite the bags under his eyes people thought looked like emo makeup, wasn't very...angsty.

He started to make a mental list of every possible thing about himself that was even the slightest bit sad - in chronological order.

Hm, for one, he was an orphan. That was sad wasn't it? He never thought much about it... Hm...parents...he couldn't remember them too well. Oh, Mother! Ah, that one time...

_'Ne, Leslie,' she reached up and touched his cheeck, 'Grow up to be a fine woman, ne?'_

_'But Mother...I'm a boy..." he sighed, "And my name isn't Leslie."_

_She just smiled._

That was about the last memory he had of her before she passed away due to eyeball cancer.

That was sad, wasn't it?

Oh, then there was that time a few weeks ago when all the bakeries within a five hour radius had been closed. It had been some sort of absurd _holiday_ or something. It was _horrible_. He had to get Watari to helicopter all the way to Hokkaido from Tokyo to purchase the strawberry shortcake parfaits from a boat bakery. The time! The money! His life day could've been better spent! And it wasn't even worth it. Watari ate half of them before he got back and the other half barely survived the trip.

And an L that hasn't had his sugar isn't a very happy L.

And ugh, he'd been drinking his tea, like any normal person, and piling up those little adorable sugar cubes when he thought up the great idea of opening ianother/i box. He joyfully skipp- slouched into his private kitchen hidden within a closet hidden in a pantry of yet another kitchen hidden in the secret closet triggered open by his socks drawer.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, that is why L wears no socks. They're all busy covering up his secret sugar stash.

And to his horror, when he stepped into said secret closet, he found only fifty- yes, _fifty_- boxes of sugar cubes left. He could've _sworn_ there was about three hundred at least last time! Someone must've found his secret sugar cube stash! Someone must've ate his sugar cubes!

He had been monitoring all his sweets ever since. Mini-cameras and such. Around two thousand of them.

And the weather! He never knew what the weather was because: 1) He never goes outside. Why would L need to go outside? He'd ruin his perfectly ghostly complexion, hurt his feet, and waste valuable sugar eati- Kira investigating time. 2) The weather-girl was always _wrong_. L learned not to trust him a long time ago. When he was, like, three. And the Weather Man told him it'd be nice and sunny tomorrow so he, like the little innocent toddler he was, _believed_ him.

It was downright pouring the next day.

He sighed and stacked the 629th sugar cube atop his masterpiece. What now? Angsting was about the stupidest thing someone could do; he couldn't understand why Raito did it all the time.

Where was that moron, anyway?

* * *

A/N: Gintama is _crack_. I need my crack. Viz needs to either release all the volumes **_now_** or _**unliscence**_ it.

**!Shameless Advertisement**: Read our other fic if you want to see Raito in denial!


	5. Mariko's Mundane Morning

**Mariko's Mundane Morning**

**A/N:** Raito cusses (a lot? some?) and there is virtually no angst whatsoever. No angst-y angst anyway. No suicidal love-poems to L because this chapter has been delayed long enough and I can't write angst. BUT THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE ABSOLUTELY FULL OF IT. I think. I'll ask. Screw homework.

Oh, and

I DON'T OWN IPOD? what.

**-**

**ENTER HAPPYLAND! THE WORLD OF SPARKLES AND FLUFF!**

-said the unnoticed sign. Annoyed, it decided to drop the fifth T.

It now said:

**ENTER HAPPYLAND! THE WORLD OF SPARKLES AND FLUFF!**

A miscalculation- there was no fifth T.

"LOLOLOL KAYZ SO LYK ILL DROP U HEER K RATO/" Ryuk spammed.

"JUST PUT ME DOWN!" he felt a little airsick; maybe he should've stayed in that hospital. Ugh, and how could Ryuk spell his name wrong? There was a limit to stupidity, even for shinigami.

And as he wished, he was dropped.

Three hundred feet above the ground, he was dropped.

Yeah, that's got to hurt. When he wakes up, that is.

-

Ugh, what happened to the sky? Last time he checked, it was still purple. Why is it black and white? Oh shit, not the sun. Ugh, his eyes. Ack, color! And contrast! Unfocused vision! Splitting headache! Exclamation marks! Oh, the pain.

He rolled over to the side to get a good look at where Ryuk dropped him. Water? Oh, waves! Ryuk had dropped him near the ocean! Good job, he silently complimented. Ah! And there was a mini cliff near water he could use to jump off of too! It wasn't as high as the other cliff he wanted to jump off of, the one where he and L had enjoyed a picnic before a swarming group of fangirls tried to eat them. But it would do. He just wanted to get it over with.

Climbing up the mini cliff, he decided that it wasn't nearly as high as he'd like it to be- but he'd still drown so it was all good. This was a state of crisis! He had no time to be picky!

But it'd really be a much more memorable death if he could just go back to that special place- he could still leave and get a taxi right? Wait no, the hospital stole his wallet. Damn doctors! They made enough already! What nerve, to steal a poor student's wallet! Except he wasn't really a student anymore since he wasn't going to school- But it was still an invasion of privacy! And it was theft! They should be jailed, dammit. But then he never paid the hospital bill! Oh, that was why...Wait, no! He was hospitalized against his will-

And so, back to the cliff: It was really a difficult cliff to climb, despite the shortness of it all. He had not calculated that such a vertically challeneged cliff would be so extremely impossible to climb.

Oh wait. If he went around the cliff and then walked up, it'd be so much easier! Ha, Raito you genius, you.

And so that was what he did. He went and walked up the side of the cliff.

-

Mariko sighed and admired her manicure. She had been part-timing at this little kiddy-amusement-water-park thingy and the chlorine would, like, _totally_ ruin her new five thousand yen manicure. It was all nice, new, shiny, and had, like, little sparkly _rhinestones_ things that would _so_ fall off if she had to get into the damn water. Like, why'd she apply for this stupid job _anyway_? Oh well, at least she got to wear the swimsuit of her choice- given that it was red- which was ok, 'cuz red was _so_ her color.

Except that this was a little kiddy-amusement-water-park thingy and no one important would see her in it anyway. She decided to, like, _totally_ quit this ghetto job and get _another_ one. Then she remembered how much she needed that cash; her parents had cut off her allowance and told her to get a job after she, like, totally _maxed out_ her credit card and went into, um, debt.

Ugh! Why couldn't she have gotten, like, a job like Nanami at some cute shop? She so saw that Help Wanted sign _first_! Bitch.

She sighed again and adjusted her nine thousand yen designer sunglasses and watched the solitary cloud drift across the sky, dreading the moment the west side of the park opened and the little people flooded in.

_SPLASHH!_

She checked her watch. Oh, it was probably slow. Great, there goes the peace and quiet and iPod time. At least there was some nice scenery, with all the fake trees and plastic rock walls.

Waitaminute. Splash? Ugh, those little brats.

She picked up the microphone and made sure to go job hunting later.

-

**OWW! SHITSHITSHIT WHY THE FUCKING HELL WAS THE WATER TWO FEET DEEP? WHAT THE FUCKING HE-**

**OH FS(#&#!DMKSM!**

**WHAT THE FU-**

**AW HELL NO, WAS HE- _WAS HE BLEEDING?_**

**FUCKFUCKFU-**

"No diving in the kiddie pool, _please_," came the high, sarcastic voice through static-y speakers.

K-kiddie pool?

**KIDDIE POOL?**

**RYUK DROPPED HIM IN A POOL? _A POOL FOR SHORT, LITTLE, PEOPLE?_**

Well that explained the depth of the water-

-which was now stained with the downpour of what looked like cranberry juice running steadily from the gaping wound in his forehead.

"I _repeat,_ no diving in the kiddie pool, _allrightt_?"

-

**A/N:** And I will make sure that my cowriter writes an angst filled chapter to balance the random pointlessness of this one.


End file.
